Solemn Nights

Here i am, in this box wondering what to do and how to feel. I am an emotional wreck - not capable to deal with these ill thoughts. I feel empty though the surroundings doesnt seem like it. These people are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other's company, whilst I strive to have a quiet time with a special some one.

I am fighting daily these feelings of insecurity - so many times have I told myself there is no need to fight - shes all mine, shes been with me for years and her love for me is no doubt. I can feel it when she showers me with never ending love - but a slight mistake or a wrong word from her could easily be a kill joy. I wonder why. I feel like a woman at times and she have made it clear that my sensitivity is a very annoying attribute (well atleast in her own kinds words or probably just what I picked up from her facial features when things happen). It doesnt seem to be like that with other people, I cant be bothered to care what people think or say of me, but with her - its always painful though I know her action and words are nothing more than a joke, an act of kindess or even to just have a laugh like we used to.

I wish I can be strong and be the man that she always want me to. The person that holds her hand through tough times and inflict only good, honest and strength in each words that come out of my mouth. I want her to feel that when I am near, we can let the worries go and be happy and when I am far - we can think of each other and only feel happiness for the memories that we have or the future we might have together. Yet this is not possible for I am a wreck, I am useless and my attitude and current attributes is killing what we have.

There were times when things are hard and there seem to be never ending strong waves, heavy bouts hitting us from all angles - she stopped and ask me, how would I know I love her the most when I have loved so much - a few women in my past.

I succumbed to speechlessness as I dont know how to put my thoughts and feelings through words.

How do you tell someone you love and care for so much, that you`re thankful your past seem to be fucked up as it leads you to her way? How could you tell someone you are so grateful that the love you had in the past is ruined as now you get to love and be loved unconditonally?

Seems like child play for you lot probably. For me its different.

We talked about being tolerant to each other - she asked me what have I done in regards of that? My answer was again a deep long breather as I have no idea what to say.

I feel and believe that every single day. my mission is to get up and achieve. Achieve something for the future so that I wont have to struggle like many, we wont have to struggle like many. I put her first for all objectives and for all aims. It is only to be with her, to have a family with her and to eventually make her feel that I am her man - the man she can trust. I want to be right but I am always wrong. I want to be sweet but I am always making her fret. I want to be me but I dont know how to start.

Things have change a lot with us since I start work. Its been hard to talk to communicate and to even share a few hours alone. I am always tired, always moody and always a pain in the arse to be with.

When my family came over recently - I havent seen them for 3 years. Things got a little out of hand for me. I started to feel those feelings I have left behind for years. It is sad that I have been away for so long that I have even forgotten how its like to be a part of a family. A bond that never dies - stay intact whatsoever happens in the past,present and future. Seeing my parents together, how much patience they have for each other and how much respect they give to make things happen. I envy that. I wish I can be like that. If I am half as good as Abah or half as patience as Mak, I would be so much a better individual. A better person and most importantly a better patner for my dear Shazwani.

Shes gold to me. All her characters brings light to my dark grumpy life. She doesnt realize that as she believe that she is wrong for me. She thinks that her presence has somehow ruined me and made me worse than before.

My words might not be a bridge to connect emotions and feelings but trust me love, with all my heart and with every bits of my soul - i love you and you're my strength.

You make me want to achieve things that people dont believe I could. Apart from my parents, no one actually felt that I am good enough to be achieving, to be somebody or atleast to make myself better. Until you came and you did whatever you did, it became another reason to be a better person. I might not be able to be like the old me, the person you fell in love with. The so very caring and sensitive towards your feelings. I have never ignore your feelings and your words - I always think about it all the time. I think about it over and over again until I can find a reason or a good enough answer for me to justify myself why I act the way I did or said the words I say to break your heart and made you felt astray.

I have no ego left when it comes to you, I have no pride left and you know it dont you? All I got is you and the little memories we have together, plus the love and the thoughts of a bright future with you that is the only reason I am still striving.

Again, over and over again - I want to make you happy. I am mean I know but I dont know why - something is always wrong with me.

I want to love you everyday like its our last day.

My apologies - million of them - I know does not make things better. My promises remain promises as I have not fulfilled them ever since.

I love you so very much. I am afraid of loosing you - and because of this I am the way I am.