Solemn Nights

Here i am, in this box wondering what to do and how to feel. I am an emotional wreck - not capable to deal with these ill thoughts. I feel empty though the surroundings doesnt seem like it. These people are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other's company, whilst I strive to have a quiet time with a special some one.

I am fighting daily these feelings of insecurity - so many times have I told myself there is no need to fight - shes all mine, shes been with me for years and her love for me is no doubt. I can feel it when she showers me with never ending love - but a slight mistake or a wrong word from her could easily be a kill joy. I wonder why. I feel like a woman at times and she have made it clear that my sensitivity is a very annoying attribute (well atleast in her own kinds words or probably just what I picked up from her facial features when things happen). It doesnt seem to be like that with other people, I cant be bothered to care what people think or say of me, but with her - its always painful though I know her action and words are nothing more than a joke, an act of kindess or even to just have a laugh like we used to.

I wish I can be strong and be the man that she always want me to. The person that holds her hand through tough times and inflict only good, honest and strength in each words that come out of my mouth. I want her to feel that when I am near, we can let the worries go and be happy and when I am far - we can think of each other and only feel happiness for the memories that we have or the future we might have together. Yet this is not possible for I am a wreck, I am useless and my attitude and current attributes is killing what we have.

There were times when things are hard and there seem to be never ending strong waves, heavy bouts hitting us from all angles - she stopped and ask me, how would I know I love her the most when I have loved so much - a few women in my past.

I succumbed to speechlessness as I dont know how to put my thoughts and feelings through words.

How do you tell someone you love and care for so much, that you`re thankful your past seem to be fucked up as it leads you to her way? How could you tell someone you are so grateful that the love you had in the past is ruined as now you get to love and be loved unconditonally?

Seems like child play for you lot probably. For me its different.

We talked about being tolerant to each other - she asked me what have I done in regards of that? My answer was again a deep long breather as I have no idea what to say.

I feel and believe that every single day. my mission is to get up and achieve. Achieve something for the future so that I wont have to struggle like many, we wont have to struggle like many. I put her first for all objectives and for all aims. It is only to be with her, to have a family with her and to eventually make her feel that I am her man - the man she can trust. I want to be right but I am always wrong. I want to be sweet but I am always making her fret. I want to be me but I dont know how to start.

Things have change a lot with us since I start work. Its been hard to talk to communicate and to even share a few hours alone. I am always tired, always moody and always a pain in the arse to be with.

When my family came over recently - I havent seen them for 3 years. Things got a little out of hand for me. I started to feel those feelings I have left behind for years. It is sad that I have been away for so long that I have even forgotten how its like to be a part of a family. A bond that never dies - stay intact whatsoever happens in the past,present and future. Seeing my parents together, how much patience they have for each other and how much respect they give to make things happen. I envy that. I wish I can be like that. If I am half as good as Abah or half as patience as Mak, I would be so much a better individual. A better person and most importantly a better patner for my dear Shazwani.

Shes gold to me. All her characters brings light to my dark grumpy life. She doesnt realize that as she believe that she is wrong for me. She thinks that her presence has somehow ruined me and made me worse than before.

My words might not be a bridge to connect emotions and feelings but trust me love, with all my heart and with every bits of my soul - i love you and you're my strength.

You make me want to achieve things that people dont believe I could. Apart from my parents, no one actually felt that I am good enough to be achieving, to be somebody or atleast to make myself better. Until you came and you did whatever you did, it became another reason to be a better person. I might not be able to be like the old me, the person you fell in love with. The so very caring and sensitive towards your feelings. I have never ignore your feelings and your words - I always think about it all the time. I think about it over and over again until I can find a reason or a good enough answer for me to justify myself why I act the way I did or said the words I say to break your heart and made you felt astray.

I have no ego left when it comes to you, I have no pride left and you know it dont you? All I got is you and the little memories we have together, plus the love and the thoughts of a bright future with you that is the only reason I am still striving.

Again, over and over again - I want to make you happy. I am mean I know but I dont know why - something is always wrong with me.

I want to love you everyday like its our last day.

My apologies - million of them - I know does not make things better. My promises remain promises as I have not fulfilled them ever since.

I love you so very much. I am afraid of loosing you - and because of this I am the way I am.

Al Fatihah

The weekend was supposed to be a brand new life for me, moving in a new place, adapting as an adult. Unfortunately, on Friday evening i received a devastating news from mak. My grandmother, Mak Nek passed away. I was in a brainstorming session for our new project when Mak rang. My heart just drops and I had to leave the scheduled meeting to take a breather.

Mak Nek was a loving grandmother and obviously a great mother to all her 16 childrens. I grew up in the Kampong with her whilst my father was studying in the UK. I was very close to her as Mak was always at work to cater for us all. I remember occasions where she will always come to the rescue whenever mishaps happened. Mak being a strict mother herself often locked me in the toilet when i misbehave, but Mak Nek will always let me out and give Mak a few words of advice. She took care of me when I fell down the stairs and broke my arm, and often made me follow her wherever she goes be it the kebun, the pasar and visiting friends...I feel guilty now for not actually trying to go back home for Raya, I could have atleast be by her side before she left us for good. The last time I meet her was 2 years back, she was suffering badly from alzheimer back then and could not remember any of us well. She did remember me though....

I havent got much to say now, things just hit me hard when I read the article about her with a picture of her forever resting place...

Thank you Mak Nek for all that you have provide us, for if it is not your effort, we all wont be where we are now...

Al Fatihah

Bernama - Monday, September 29

KUCHING, Sept 29 (Bernama) -- Ibu Mithali award recipient Rakayah@Ayot Rajak, 82, who died of old age on Friday, was described by one of her 16 children as an exemplary mother for raising all her children to be successful in their chosen vocations despite being uneducated.


Kuala Lumpur Federal Territory Deputy Director of Health (Dental) Dr Ahmad Abang said today his late mother would be an inspiration to many for her tireless sacrifices to put him and his siblings through university as well as for her active involvement in social work, including at the Women's Institute.

"She was a good mother who managed to put all of us through university by taking up sewing and doing other chores to supplement the family income. She was also very kind and generous, and will not hesitate to invite anyone who had come to our house for a meal although we were not from a well-to-do family," he told Bernama here today.

Dr Ahmad, 54, the sixth child, said Rakayah, who was survived by eight sons and eight daughters as well as 58 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren, received the Ibu Mithali award in February 1991 from the then Raja Permaisuri Agong, Tuanku Bainun Mohd Ali in appreciation of her contribution.

Six of Rakayah's children are either medical doctors or dentists, including Dr Ahmad and her eldest son, Dr Abas Abang, who is one of Kuching's pioneer and most prominent Malay general practitioners.

Off day

I am having a holiday today to mark up the end of a project and a break before a new project next week. I tried to sleep as long as possible but still got up at 730am , frust gila nyawa. Nak ngandor pun sikpat. I will have to go down town to for references check on the new house, hopefully all is well as I cant wait to move in. 

So I got up today, talk to Wani for a bit  before her girls day out , erm not all girls I think :) half half lah haha. Sorry :) Nothing much to do, read a few magazines, watch tv a little. A friend sent me a link to this one cool hell of a website, so I did this all day...

LMFAO

A Breather

Hope all is well in whatever journey you are in. Things been a little bit hectic down my way lately. Until today, I have not manage to do much. Its been busy at work. I better not be talking about work as it is the weekend, so my apologies if anyone actually want to know. haha. I was away most weekends, last week being the worst. I was off to Glasgow for a project viewing on Tuesday and returned on the Friday, that night I went away and only returned home on Sunday evening. Then the week starts again.....

I miss my lovely girlfriend. Its been a while since we last talk proper. The hours are not really accomodating, i am up at 6 daily to start my long day at work, and will only be home at 7, by then I will be out for dinner and she`ll be literally half asleep :) I understand her tiredness, and she understands mine, I cant wait till shes back here, I miss her greatly. Hope all is welly for your granny, I pray for her health. Youre always on my mind, always.

I think I have a mild OCD. It used to be in a positive way, where I would want to have my room all clean and tidy (in a man's way lah), things will be where it should be and my clothes all clean and folded , placed somewhere hidden. Nowadays, my room is a bit of a sarang tikus vs sarang lipas. Dirty clothes everywhere, rubbish, things all over. Yet, I still want to know where there are, like I always make sure the tv remote is beneath the bed, the clean socks would be tucked under the sofa, my pills (vitamins!) somewhere between the speakers and a bunch of plastic begs. Another reason I think I have a mild ocd is I enjoy routine, and if i failed to meet scheduled routines, I will have a bad day. I hate rushing, I dont mind waiting as long as I dont wait more than I should be waiting. I dont like being late, I feel that if I am late, there is just no point of even going for it. I despise people who disrespect others in a way that they cut queues, rude, arrogant pricks and kids who doesnt use headphones!

I am moving houses soon, Ezra is going back to Malaysia for good, good luck bro! I wish you all the best in everything you do, as long as you get your ass out a little! haha, We will definitely miss having you around bro, after 2 years, its been good.... I am moving to Oak Street, Manchester City Centre! 

Shit, i am sleepy! 

Ciao bella

The Journey of Life

My old classmate Razi was about for the past 2 weeks, trying his luck here in the UK. I have seen his portfolio, and I would say he is a good prospect for the architecture industry. I am a bit saddened that he did not manage to find a suitable job here but I suppose in the duration of 2 weeks - not much can be done. It took me a year to find a proper job, so I suppose the same goes to everyone, unless they are lucky enough like some people.

Having him around somehow rather made me see how much things have change and how much people change. I felt that with his presence, my old attitude and attributes suddenly came back. The environment some how rather change and it brings on memories. Funny memories.

I still remember how he used to wear black and white undies on a white prefect pants. I keep telling everyone that and a few other embarassing moments such as 98 degrees CD given by some "lover" haha. I have a good memory and no one can deny that so if you have done something stupid in the past that people will laugh their heads off upon hearing, just make sure I am not about :)

I take this opportunity to wish him a Happy Graduation and I hope he will manage to find the best job as I believe he will be a good architect one day. I also pray that he will be able to come back here in the future and find a job to further his knowledge in the industry and fast forward his career. First project - Rumah Dayak !

ahahah . Good luck bro !